As someone with ADHD and The 'Tism, I FEEL this. For me, attention isn't something I often give, only pay. That phrase, itself "pay attention" is very telling. Like paying a tax: no choice ,just eat the cost and soldier on.

I didn't really internalize that on a deeper level until reading this article. I want to do this with EVERY Energy/Spoons-vampire. There are good people in my life to whom I GIVE less of my attention than what I PAY to the vampires. That only gives vampire parts of me they and I don't deserve to have or to spend. Plus, I'm so used to being told "yout social skills aren't great--you need to give (PAY) folks a chance.

But ... do I really? At forty-two years old, do I REALLY need to pay away parts of myself because someone with insistently poor respect for my boundaries might be a diamond in the rough? Or because their mother or whoever didn't hug them enough?

Nawp. The way I refuse unwanted physical contact is the way I should refuse ANY unwanted contact.

And I've noticed that most of the energy vampires ARE men and AMAB, though there are plenty of women and NB people who demand the Attention Toll. Though women and AFAB are far less persistent and more likely to dismiss when they don't initially get what they want. Generally, plenty of varied vampires who suck time, energy, and resources I barely have, away from good and nourishing people and projects. (And even the good people have their vampire moments.) But they only take what I PAY, whether that's by rote or by purposeful engagement.

I CAN choose when and when not to engage. It's going to take mindfulness and practice, and the rewiring of my protocols and scripts, but it can be done. It's WORTH the time, energy and resources to do so. And so am I. If every dynamic is transactional (and it is, especially for those of us on the spectrum and with ADHD), why should I pay and pay for something I don't want? Why should I pay at all? And at the cost of giving myself and my attention to the people/things that enrich, or at least don't tax me?

I shouldn't. And with time and mindfulness and strategizing, I won't.

THANK YOU, Sanni Lark. You're the GOAT at Brain Food. You ALWAYS offer new and striking ways to view people and situations, and I'm so glad I subbed--wish I could've subbed when I was 18 :-)